Sex Toys You Didn’t Know You Needed: the Wake-up Vibe

The Wake-up Vibe is an alarm clock for your vagina. It’s not even a gross metaphorical biological clock thing. It’s an alarm clock you literally put on your vagina. Set the time, go to sleep, and wake up in the morning to vibrations in your underthings. It’s maybe the next best thing to waking up to someone actually (consensually) eating you out.

The Thing Itself.

The Thing Itself.

As a tragically ill-disciplined sleeper and insatiable vibrator enthusiast, I obviously bought the Wake-up Vibe. It was 10:57 in the morning when I first held it in my hands, and knew I must try it immediately. I set it for 11:00, positioned the device where one would intuitively think, and waited. LO AND BEHOLD, three minutes later there was a stirring. Subtle at first, the vibrations became increasingly strong and desperate the longer I evaded the snooze button. There it was: whirring away.

The Wake-up Vibe is quite exactly what the name suggests. AND MORE. It sits comfortably against you all through the night – it won’t even slip off if it’s quite snugly in your panties. Then it wakes you up at whatever hideous hour you set it to. But it can also be used as a regular vibrator, with several speeds and rhythms and (almost) whatever else your heart or clitoris may desire. It also looks a bit like an iPod, but if it plays Lana Del Rey, I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet.

It’s so great, and I want to love it so much. All those dreams of our life together. But as great as it is, the Wake-Up Vibe is just ever-so-slightly feeble. Every-so-slightly. Maybe I’m too seriously involved with my hitachi or something, but I just feel like even though the vibrations are awesome, they’re also, dare I say, unsatisfying. My clitoris isn’t even being uncooperative; its heart is SO in it. I just think this dear device-thing might only be orgasmic for the most sensitive of clitorises (clitori?). That, or it’s being a tease. For shame.

My advice, therefore, is to totally purchase the Wake-up Vibe, but also put a hitachi under your pillow. The Wake-up Vibe will wake you up, 100% – but it sure will leave you frustrated over your porridge if you don’t complement it with something else. Ideally a pretty fucking strong vibrator.

Other ingenious uses of the Wake-up Vibe I found on the internet include using it as a “sexual time bomb” (direct quote). This involves having a lover set the alarm for when they want to ravish you, leaving it against your clitoris, and waiting for the timer to

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go off. Hours, minutes, whatever. All at the discretion of your sadistic lover. Just a simple vagina alarm clock? THINK AGAIN.

If you’d like to wake up making soft pleasurable moans, go for it. If you often have violent sex dreams and you’d like them to (maybe) end with actual real life orgasms, this is your toy-dream. If you’ve ever wanted a sexual time bomb in your panties, YOLO.

I just think we should all maybe wait for the hitachi edition. Can you even fucking imagine.

About Michelle Catherine

Michelle is co-founder, editor and #1 fan of Woolf Woolf. She lives 50% of her life in the real world, and the other 50% on twitter. Michelle is into recreational feminist problematising, vintage decadence, cycling, swing-dancing, and cultivating her Bettie bangs.